One-On-One Readings

Too often, I sought those things in men

Men with muscles, Men who were electric in bed. Men with good families. Men who worshiped me. Men who cheated on me. Men who. . . Men who... Men who.

Even as I achieved financial independence and stability, I thought I found my missing piece when I met my spiritual partner,“J,” in Hawaii. Stuck in a life I didn’t love, the universe pushed me upon the island’s shores on a delta of change, and life on the island became what I had only read about and never imagined for myself. Best of all, I could share it with “J,” the man I had been waiting for. Our deep, intimate connection was not of this world; in its seemingly safe haven, I had nowhere to hide. Even when “J” would “call me out” on my flaws, I could share myself, and he saw and understood me, always. My love of over twelve years with “J” was so great that it endured even when he fell in love with another woman. Still, as the hope of romance melted into a friendship, it was sobering when he died of cancer during the pandemic. I was shattered.

When “J” died, I died. And there was no white knight to save me. I had to surrender to the darkest night of the soul. Free falling into a black hole of terror and despair, the grief seemed every day incomprehensible. As is the nature of a twin flame relationship, whether I loved or secretly feared its terrifying depths, I had a choice to make when my connection with J ended. Could I face life without his protection or run away into a new relationship? Would brutal pain swallow me whole, or would I grow stronger? At the heart of our connection was a spiritual base; how deep were those roots, and could they lead me to a life beyond an already vast horizon? Only embers of love seemed to guide me as I navigated this foreign terrain.

When the human heart breaks, the divine heart opens.

Alone in paradise, I chose to go on. As I became intimately connected with the soul of the Hawaiian islands, compassionate yet fierce, serious, and no-nonsense, I knew the islands would spit me out had I not honored my spiritual commitments! So, I intensely studied higher dimensions through a community of masters on the island. I was determined to understand why every relationship with the masculine didn’t work how I desired, why I had been born into an abusive family, what came after this life, and whether this life was all there was.

In my Awakening, the answers were revelatory. I saw the unseen forces at play, channeled their messages, and experienced life beyond the five senses. Reinterpreting my life through the prism of higher understanding, I saw myself and my relationships with men differently. In truth, I had mistaken lust for love, weaponized my sexuality, and played victim to manipulations of my own making.

I saw “J” for who he was--- a man in a pattern of men I had long put on a pedestal. Twelve years of unrequited love was propped up by abuse so familiar that I had become magnetized by it. In our endless conversations, I could see the hidden barbs, the epiphanies he was quick to smash down, and the love he dangled over me while so overtly giving to another. The truth was no one loved “J” more than “J,”. I chose to settle when I could have left at any time. It was that simple.

Alarmingly, I could see the woman who adored him wasn’t me. The distorted feminine inside me was starving for love, seeking insatiably from anywhere and anyone. Without “J” as a source to feed it, she perished, and in the empty void, my truest self was born. In the darkest of shadows, it was my own light I had been searching for. When I released the resistance to these truths and recognized the golden thread of incorruptible love, honor and perfection within the distortion of the relationship, I was free.

Autonomy of a whole new order took hold.

When I claimed full responsibility, I claimed my true power. Only with the complete picture of reality could I co-create the life I desire --- not one that family, men, friends, success, or even my A-type personality decided for me. I was free to live in attunement with a higher source and move and flow with the events of life that showed up, whatever showed up. By embracing divine lessons on a physical plane, life was complete. I just had to let its full tapestry unfold. Bitter, dark suffering can become beauty, joy, bliss, and adventure. Years later, I could even heal generations of my own family trauma when I returned to the family home in Michigan, sharing the wealth of love I had found in myself. It was a culminating and poignant experience in the grand design of my life. Finally, I emerged with the evidence and tools to navigate this realm and live authentically.